Do not let your spirit wane

"One must have chaos in one, to give birth to a dancing star." – Friedriche Nietzsche

 On the weekend, during one of the most important times of my running career, I had another "episode". Again, the usual signs had been there; above normal irritability, loss of judgement, an increase in task loading ... eventually culminating in me breaking down Friday morning and being sent home from the race I was supposed to be coordinating as race director. Ultimately, the only person at risk was myself and I needed to be removed lest I hurt myself - prior to the breakdown I hadn't eaten a substantial meal in over 48 hours and probably not taken on board more than a litre of fluid for close to 7 hours. I clearly was not well.

 It's painful to talk about this, especially this close to the episode. One of the things that many with Bipolar, and mental illness in general, have to live with is shame - shame over our behaviours that occur when we're not in control; shame in having to confront the consequences of those behaviours; and the shame that we don't have control in the first place. After arriving home and sobbing in my wifes arms for over an hour I almost screamed "I should be stronger than this!". Her reply was succinct:

"You wouldn't say that to someone who had just pulled out of the race. Then why would you say it to yourself?"

 There is a wonderful movement of music from the Gang of Youths second album "Go Farther In Lightness" (in my opinion the best Australian album released in the last decade, but I digress), commencing with "L'imaginaire" and finishing with the title track. In the middle is the masterpiece, "Do Not Let Your Spirit Wane", a song in where David Le'aupepe details a recurring dream in where he loses his partner and child in a car accident while he's drunk at home. Much of the lyric resonates with me, but two in particular are especially pertinent.
  

"And it's strange, all the things that I've run from are the things that completeness could come from ...".

 For a long period of time I've been reluctant to lean on others, particularly my wife, during times where I'm struggling. For want of a better expression, it's my burden to bear. Much of what brought Friday's episode to head was me believing I was spread too thin after taking on more and more tasks. At 1am, beyond what we had originally planned for my RD shift to end, Shaun asked me what I was doing next. When I told him I had to be in five different places at once he knew that I was done. Five minutes after I spoke to him, he had the issues solved and promptly told me to go to sleep. I struggled, I was too wound up. He later told me that's what he does, and there was no need for me to have taken any of it on board. All I needed to do was to tell him. With Glenda it is much the same. Times where I am unable to deal with anything and everything (sometimes there is just too much stimuli, a subject I'll deal with another time), she has backed off her requests on me and been there to offer support and encouragement. I need to learn to lean on them more.

"... this dream is a life I don’t think I deserve"

 Hand in hand with shame comes impostor syndrome. Often, I feel like I'm just not cut out, or even fit in with the amazing athletes I meet during events like Delirious. Before the race, I got to share a room and hang out with Sean Nakamura, who's someone I've long admired and been inspired by as a runner. The mental strength he displayed during the race (long story short: he took a wrong turn, got off course and had to be returned to a checkpoint, which probably cost him between 15-20hrs) was mind-blowing. But as I came back to the race Saturday morning I was unable to reconcile how I felt about myself and my mental strength with the displays I was witnessing from runners crossing the line. My mind kept repeating: I'm just a guy who's run a handful of ultra's, not mentally cut out to race direct a world class event such as Delirious and especially not worthy to be standing among world class runners. It's bullshit, I do deserve to be here, but that's how it is with this illness.

Sean Nakamura. Honestly, one of the nicest and most humble people I've met

 I've put aside some time for myself this coming week. Work has been accommodating enough to give me a few extra days to recover, and close friends have reached out to offer their support. Recovery will take time, it always does. But I know I will get stronger.

"Get the fuck out of your head if it says,
"Stay cold and be deathly afraid."
Do not let your spirit wane
Do not let your spirit wane"